Help and Support

Need help using the Ivory Towers site? Don't worry, we'll try to help you with any problems you might have. Make sure you've checked the following pages before getting in touch with us.

Want More Mail?

We all like to receive mail. Here's some advice from Ivory Towers staff and members to help you get more:

  • You won't generally get mail unless you send it, so don't sit around waiting. You may need to contact a few members before you find someone you click with. Remember everyone is in the same boat - so take the plunge and get mailing.

  • First emails can be the hardest. Start by telling the person something about yourself or something you have in common, based on your profiles. Maybe you both like the same books or both play tennis. Keep it positive and invite them to write back to you.

  • Take it slowly and be patient. People who send out five mails a day and want a fast response will be disappointed. It's about quality not quantity. Building relationships takes time, sometimes months to build up communication and trust.

  • Think about how you express yourself. The way you come across in your mail and your profile matters. Sloppy spelling and grammar does put people off.

  • Avoid one liners such as: 'Hi I'm Chris, email or phone me' - they make you appear lazy and put pressure on the other person. Generally this type of mail is poorly received and the sender rarely gets mail in return.

  • Complete your profile. Members who fill out all the questions, and have good photos are much more likely to receive mail.

Remain positive if you have sent one mail and nothing has happened. There are lots of interesting people who would like to hear from you. People usually take a little while to reply even if they have already seen the mail, they go on holiday or are just busy and thinking about how to reply.

While we all like to receive mail, it is equally important to reply to all mail received. It is only courteous.

What Not to Write

  • DON'T write in SUSTAINED CAPITALS. It can look like shouting.

  • DON'T give out your home email or telephone number too quickly - it can be a bit intimidating for the receiver to reply likewise. One of the reasons why people use the site is because it offers a secure way to communicate. If members send their personal contact details in their initial mail to another member before there has been any two way communication it can be grounds for termination of membership. And remember, once you have given out your personal details, it is very hard to stop further contact.

  • DON'T ask too many direct, personal factual questions at first. You can always talk about your approach to life, faith, likes and dislikes before trying to find out too many facts and figures. If you were to meet someone at a party or pub who was grilling you about your job and asking immediately for your phone number, chances are you would feel uncomfortable. The internet is no different.

  • DON'T promote non-Ivory Towers events, products or services via the mailbox system.

Repeated misuse of the site in this way may result in your account being suspended.

Not getting enough replies?

People frequently write to us saying that they are not receiving replies to their mail. It is important to recognise that this affects almost everyone! If this is happening to you, you are not alone. It happens to men and women and on all dating sites. Here are some of the reasons:

  • Sometimes people are not writing good emails, or their profiles need improving (see Want More Mail? above)

  • Some people are very popular and receive a lot of mail and find it difficult to respond to everybody

  • Others may be involved in a particular correspondence with another member

  • Many others are simply too busy, and don't check their mail

  • Some may have to subscribe in order to reply

  • Others haven't visited the site in a while and may have reminders sent to an email address they rarely check

Whatever the reasons this can be very frustrating, but it is probably not your fault, and you shouldn't take it personally. We do send reminders encouraging members to reply, but we can't force them. Do be patient, and keep writing.

Unwanted Mail

If you receive mail from a member but would prefer not to reply, there is a Create 'no thanks' message button. This generates a polite message addressed to the sender (which you may edit if you wish), thanking them for their message but declining further contact.

If there is a member from whom you do not wish to receive more mail, you can block them using the block user icon Block this member link on their profile. If you do receive mail which you find inappropriate in any way, use the Report this message link on the relevant message.

If the same member is blocked several times, they may have their membership suspended.

Please don't block other members routinely or excessively. Blocking should be used carefully. Members who block excessively can cause confusion and may have their membership reviewed.